Nobody’s listening

When I listen to Linkin Park’s lyrics it matters more to who I am now than what I thought the words meant to me as a teenager. Trying to overcome the past and truly live is what I’ve been trying to do with therapy for months it’s why I created this blog. It’s the battle inside of me every day.

In many ways I’ve been living like Chester. From looking at my life now you see a girl who has a good life, a supportive & loving boyfriend, good job, who’s friendly  and happy.  Her abusive past? it was 7 years ago she’s over it by now… In certain moments I can’t control are flashbacks of the past, seeing his face in my dreams. I thought that maybe if I show it enough on the outside that on the inside it will reflect but I was wrong. I used to think that if I was public about my past that it would mean I was over it but that doesn’t matter if its still eating my insides.

Lately in the news over the  past month it was reported how Chester was telling fans to move the fuck on because of how many people were saying they wanted music like Hybrid theory when its not who he is anymore. He said to Music Week “When we made Hybrid Theory, I was the oldest guy in the band and in my early ’20s. That’s why I guess I’m like: ‘Why are we still talking about Hybrid Theory? It’s fucking years ago. It’s a great record, we love it. Like, move the fuck on.’ You know what I mean?”

http://www.avclub.com/article/linkin-park-wants-fans-move-fuck-album-they-255091

He appreciated that we loved it but he wanted everyone to grow with his music and it made sense. His new music may have had a different musical background than the heavy guitars but it showed that this soul was still hurting and trying to fight a battle from within that sadly won.

I don’t want my demons to overcome me….

 

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Easier to run

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I’ve kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they’ve played

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

[Chorus]
It’s easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It’s so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn’t have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there’d never be a past

When my boyfriend asks me why can’t I get over my past its that exact reasons what LP said in those lyrics. A piece of me was taken away…Sometimes I have dreams of my ex being back in my life and I’m in the relationship again and I get that feeling I had whenever he started to make rules for me to abide by because to him it made the relationship better and it was the worst feeling.  One night a few weeks ago I had a dream… He was approaching me to be in a relationship again and instead of giving in I said to him that I didn’t want this, he can’t control my life anymore. I woke up not knowing how to feel. Did that mean I was fully over it like how they are in movies that when you see yourself be your own hero the villain is gone?

My boyfriend is right and so is my therapist that in many ways I learned from my past to make better choices. I never allow anyone to even attempt to put me down. I knew it wasn’t my fault I knew being hurt is not the life I deserved and I got out.  I never repeated the pattern of being in that type of relationship. I have been out with friends, rekindled friendships and relationships. I was in a night club last year and he was there, instead of running away and going home I stayed. I danced. At one point he was next to me dancing and I felt more like I wanted him to see me, feeling happy.  I guess the shame  guilt for being in the relationship is what consumed me, I didn’t allow not just one person to hurt me but two.

I forgave myself enough to get out but I didn’t forgive myself for feeling ashamed.

On this day I try to let go….

Castle of Glass

Today, while I was at work I saw online news that hit me hard. I felt my heart sink in disbelief. Chester Bennington has committed suicide….

Shortly after I discovered Evanescence at 13 I came across Linkin Park. The uniqueness and power in his voice and emotions in his words helped me through my parents divorce. When my “first” love ended up being mean to me I used to listen to the LP albums on repeat to help feel strong. It was a mix of Evanescence’s only album at the time – Fallen- and listening to Hybrid Theory & Meteora. When I used to write poems I would have My December repeating as I cried. On my way to Disney World with band in 2004 I had only Hybrid Theory & Meteora cd’s with me and it was all I listened to on the way there and back.

I got to see them live in 2014 and sure throughout the years I didn’t like the entire new albums but there were songs here n there that I liked. They were coming back to my hometown in August and I wanted to go.  Its just so bizarre to me just a few months ago I bought Hybrid Theory in Best Buy to listen to it again (x boyfriend of 6 years broke their cd to hurt me) in my car speakers and I listened to their new album when it released in May. It just hits me hard when there’s been 3 bands who made my life feel less lonely in the critical times of my life when I didn’t have any friends to hang around or family because my ex isolated me to the point that sometimes death did seem like the only way I would feel free and less guilty for letting my life turn out that way. I felt that I neglected everyone so much that by the time I would finally let him go would anyone care for me anymore?            Evanescence, Linkin Park, Avenged Sevenfold.

Chester was happy in interviews and expressed the power of music on people and how honored he felt in what he does.. His music helped you feel to overcome those who want to hurt you and make u feel less than who you are. “trying to put my trust in you just takes so much out of me. I swear for the last time I wont trust myself with you.” – From the Inside

Don’t stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
What you were changing me into
(Just give me myself back and)
Don’t stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
Take all your faithlessness with you
(Just give me myself back and)
Don’t stay
Sometimes I feel like I trusted you too well

Sometimes I just feel like screaming at myself

Sometimes I’m in disbelief I didn’t know….

Those lyrics echoed in my head a lot along with so many others. (“Somewhere I belong” is another) coming out of a man’s mouth were the emotions I felt… Wanting to heal myself and gather the strength to pick up my own pieces and get away and start my life over on my terms.

One day I did….. Rest in Peace Chester…

 

Past comes a’knockin

There’s a new guy at my job that I never paid much attention to until one day I was walking back to my office and I heard his voice to realize who he is…. A relative of a very close friend to my ex….my nightmare. Instantly it made me feel a lump in my throat because it made me think “omg someone that knows my ex is here,  there’s a way that my ex will know where I work and the last thing I would ever want is for him to show up when I’m leaving work, or even worse… applies to work at my job” I tried to calm myself down and thought “Well, now its time I face the reality, after all we do live in the same city. I at least have one of my best guy friends working here with me.”

I spoke to my boyfriend about it afterwards and he was quick to say “he better not say anything to you, you’re ex will never work there our friend will never let that happen if he ever sees him anywhere near that building”

It’s been about 2 weeks since I realized who that guy was and does he know who I am? Yes. I used to hang around the family a lot. Not sure if he recognizes me because I wear glasses now and I never look at him in the face to avoid any conversations. We work in opposite departments of the office so it’s not like I have to work with him directly. I do have to walk through that department to get to the bathroom but with each day I get a little more comfortable.

After all, I was never friends with the guy so we don’t need to be friends now.

Chronic

Well lately I’ve been stressed and it’s hit a high point that yesterday I experienced the worst spasms that no medicine I had could fix. My boyfriend tried rubbing my back, advising me to drink water but with every drop that hit my stomach it hurt and the pain only got stronger. I went to the ER in tears, shortness of breath, unable to speak, begging to make the pain stop. I never felt that before. I was given morphine which instantly worked. I don’t know how I would have gotten through that without my boyfriend. He was calm, one hell of a rock to me. My GI doc is gonna get a kick out of this. My junk food days are over. But, then again who knows if stress is what finally took hold of me.

Short background of my medical history- I was diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome, mild gastritis 5 years ago, and non-ulcer dyspepsia (which is when my body mimicks every symptom of an ulcer without an ulcer being present) so basically if I’m stressed it takes a serious toll on my insides. Lovely ER doc thinks I also have a problem with reflux on top of that so I left the ER with 5 scripts for medicine.

I mentioned that I decided to take a semester off to breathe, get myself together. Mainly to figure out if I should continue to pursue this major. Then I get an email that I was supposed to fill out a leave of absence form to explain why I didn’t enroll in classes. Now I know its not like undergrad that I can just stop taking courses, and everything has been so laid back that I could take as little as one class a semester that I thought it would be okay if I didn’t enroll in Summer, maybe I wouldn’t enroll at all. Now that I know its not that simple its created pressure on me to figure out a solution.

I thought this was leading to teach me so many avenues that I could do and each day, each month, I realized my classmates are all successful professionals and everything made sense. Why I feel like I still don’t know enough, why my classes all feel like introductions to these avenues but its not enough to be on my own. The director of the program emails us job postings encouraging us to apply and when I started I thought that “oh, by the time I finish these are the jobs I can apply to” that thought has became “I won’t be able to apply even when I do graduate; the classes available won’t teach me enough.” It all came together.. This degree is a stepping stone. Something that professionals do to look better to show that they were exposed to know what an electronic medical record is but it doesn’t teach you how to develop the programs. So where does that leave me?

I have a job right now that has the potential of being long term so I’m working hard to prove that I can be an asset bigger than my role now. It pays me more than any job I’ve ever had. But I’ve let it overly consume me that its all I talk about my mind didn’t stop once I left work because I need something in my life to finally lead somewhere, like I will be able to support myself, like I’m not a loser. In return, I made my boyfriend feel neglected and as if his life isn’t as important and I feel horrible for that so I’m trying to live in the moment and once I leave work, I leave all my thoughts about work behind. But there’s still this commitment I have with school and my professional life..

There’s a part in this major that we have to do a practicum and I don’t feel like I will be ready to do that especially if it requires 40 hours/week. But, can I even switch majors at graduate level? What else is there for me to even pursue? Since high school I had this plan for myself to get a professional career in medicine then go back to school to study art to become better at it for me and maybe take some computer classes just to know how to code because computers are fascinating but right now to start the computer path feels so far back compared to how far I am in school now (and 100k in debt) that It feels late in my life to start a new path from zero for a career when I want to have at least a stable income right now and I thought it would be in medicine. Plus, I don’t have the money to pay for undergrad classes, the government won’t give me anymore undergrad loans. The hope for my life was to have a medical career that could cover the cost of going back to school for fun.

Without medicine.. Who am I?

Teenage candles of ungranted wishes 

I love rock from like ’05-09 when bands like Sum41 and All-American Rejects and Simple Plan were all over the radio waves. Reminds me of being 17 and walking through Hollister.

Those small increments of time where I was like everyone else. A broke teenager just hanging at the mall. Then I feel an angers cloud hover me of the torture I was going through. Much of my pleasant memories were from being younger than 14 (before him) and the few times we had broken up n I was free.

When people around me have their conversations about being a teen I can only relate so much. I spent much of my time indoors watching tv because he didn’t let me go anywhere so I would try to get him to go do stuff just so that I could have fun for a while but then of course people (especially my family) though that I was just this girl who needs her bf she must be clingy.

Next year makes 10 years since graduation.

I’m 27 and I’m still dwelling over not being a teenager, not having the weekends with my friends. It’s been wonders of what could have been. Feels like the last of my childhood was taken away by someone who wanted to act like my parent but was only a year older than me. It dawns me that at such a young age someone can have the heart to be so cruel.

ONE…day…The desire to redo my teenage self will fade

Silent dreams…don’t dare to scream

Tonight my boyfriend and I watched a show called “The dead files” about a physical medium and a retired detective using  their skills to solve unexplained paranormal activity that people reach out to them for.

There was an episode that someone explained what they saw in their dream and I tell him “that’s how I feel in my dreams…like I want to scream and I can’t – nothing comes out” and he says to me “that’s what your therapist told you… wouldn’t it feel great to feel free?” and I wondered, how can I be set free? When will I be?

I feel fine on a regular basis. At least… I feel like I’m normal, like I am over it. That’s whats made this so difficult…

How do you get over something you feel your okay with ?

It has made it difficult to find a place to start to also know when there is an end..

Birthdays & emotions

it was my birthday yesterday… 27 yrs old now.

I don’t know whats been going on with me that I haven’t felt like myself and the person who’s getting the backlash is my boyfriend and he blames himself. Sure sometimes he will say something with an attitude and I just  stop talking. I try to think if its that my period is coming next week or if its my birth control affecting me differently. Then there’s also the whole thing that I’ve started to feel every year around my birthday… everything I thought my life would be and where I’m at…..

  • don’t have a big shot job… love my job just lately its been slow and then I was hired to help out and right now there isn’t much to do and its all done for me that I’m left there doing nothing but checking files to see of any new ones or new updates that are needed because i feel helpless. I don’t feel like I’m anything of value to the company so in some ways it does make me worry if this would lead me to being laid off but I keep trying to tell myself that later in the year this will all change..
  • Another year older and I still can’t even afford to live alone
  • Another year older and I’ve always wanted my weight to increase and now that it has its going straight to my stomach and it has me feeling like shit. I look at photos and see a “pudgy” gut, I look in the mirror and see fat on my sides starting to show, every morning I’m struggling to find clothes because I don’t fit in my pants, any dress or tight shirt makes me look pregnant. Yea, I appear skinny but my body is changing in ways I’ve never experienced before and now that it is I don’t feel pretty.
  • My allergies have gotten worse that now it seems that I’m allergic to more than I thought that I had an allergic reaction to even air in a grocery store. Frustrates me since now I don’t know what to stay away from.
  • Along with that almost everything has been causing intestinal spasm and bloating (which is painful)
  • School feels like a potential dead end because I don’t have the experience that is required for any job that comes out of it so what can I even use this major for? Do I even know what I want to do anymore?

I took the semester off for summer to try to breathe and instead I’m just not feeling like myself.. then it also comes to mind the sound of my old therapists voice…. Situational depression… Not having the energy to do anything productive and not knowing why I feel this way and how to make this go away. These are the feelings I had that made me start returning to therapy last year. Not feeling like myself and being unable to shake it that next thing I know I’m excluding myself. I don’t want my boyfriend to think that I don’t love him because I do and I can’t imagine my life without him. Times like this I just don’t know what to do or how to feel better…

This isn’t anything related to my usual posts its just something I’ve been going through

 

Sleep tight, don’t let anxiety bite 

You ever wake up with an panic attack? 

I’ve experienced one before but never one that woke me up. First time was in February at my boyfriends mom’s house. He was awake watching tv and I fell asleep then I wake up complaining that I’m hot, my heart is racing, I think my shirt is too tight, I need water. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe deep to slow my heart rhythm. Few weeks ago is happened again. Woke up in a sweat, didn’t check if my heart was racing I just felt that I couldn’t sleep n I needed air. My boyfriend just looked at me asking what was wrong how could he help. 

I wonder why those nights occur. Why I wake up with an anxiety attack and it’s not fun. Is it the thought of my past floating to the surface making my dreams haunt me? I’ve had several dreams throughout the years of being with him again but as if I were with him now n not images of how it was then. In my dreams I would have the same feeling as I did in real life of feeling caged and wanting to get out, how did I fool myself into going back. On those nights I wake up scared then relieved that it’s only my dog next to me and it was just a dream. 

Why is it that I have the dreams ? 

Why do the panic attacks happen only when my boyfriend is sleeping beside me but only happen twice when I don’t recall dreaming of anything?

Hopefully when I feel free the attacks in my sleep stop. The dreams fade.. 

One…..NIGHT…. it will never come back

Therapy week

I tried something new in therapy from my boyfriend with me city someone I spend so much time was and is known me for so long and during that time but I felt like it might be helpful for me. I want to someone there and say the things that they see in me when my attitude changes because of certain situations I come across. It helped me a little bit what are pulled onto was the question ‘ Do I need to tell my family, what will it do for me?’ I don’t really know the answer to that , and I don’t know telling them anything or make even a dent in the shadow that follows me. I just know that when I try to think about how I managed to get over my divorce the factor that may have been a big key for me was that everyone knew. I wrote in a blogs, saw a therapist, had deep conversations with my closest friends, I would have some conversations about it with my parents but I didn’t go too much into depth with me other than knowing that a divorce is going to happen but I feel comfort to because my parents are divorced so they knew what I was feeling in some ways granted their situation was much worse with kids being involved but still it’s the essence of divorce that I knew they could give me guidance and both of them would tell me that it would be okay you do move on. I explained in there be there with me this so difficult is the fact that I waited so many years to come out with it, is there anything anyone can even say to be able to come for me with this tweet a good with the divorce. 

There isn’t much to say at this point other than questions they are questions that I don’t want to answer. So, then it’s back to what am I afraid of?

Look at the memory so much that a lot of pieces to my password I don’t remember any more and only answer in moments it’s triggered and I see moments that I wished whenever there. Your boyfriend suggested hypnotherapy which I have read about before long time ago research into school paper but it never crossed my mind to do it now I wouldn’t even know where to begin looking for someone to do that now to unlock every memory. I’m so desperate to see what can I do to get past this and to truly live a normal life by living of acceptance. Is it with the help of my friends? My family knowing about it? Private therapist? Spiritual guidance? Hypnotherapy? Group therapy? 

One of the things I hope to gain from riding on here and being in a group is finding out all others were able to tell their families are you even tell a stranger that this is my story I am not broken. I am only scarred. 

I am still going to go forward with going to the group but I’m going to look for another group said see other one had me feeling a strange about it. Hopefully I can come across one soon.