Teenage candles of ungranted wishes 

I love rock from like ’05-09 when bands like Sum41 and All-American Rejects and Simple Plan were all over the radio waves. Reminds me of being 17 and walking through Hollister.

Those small increments of time where I was like everyone else. A broke teenager just hanging at the mall. Then I feel an angers cloud hover me of the torture I was going through. Much of my pleasant memories were from being younger than 14 (before him) and the few times we had broken up n I was free.

When people around me have their conversations about being a teen I can only relate so much. I spent much of my time indoors watching tv because he didn’t let me go anywhere so I would try to get him to go do stuff just so that I could have fun for a while but then of course people (especially my family) though that I was just this girl who needs her bf she must be clingy.

Next year makes 10 years since graduation.

I’m 27 and I’m still dwelling over not being a teenager, not having the weekends with my friends. It’s been wonders of what could have been. Feels like the last of my childhood was taken away by someone who wanted to act like my parent but was only a year older than me. It dawns me that at such a young age someone can have the heart to be so cruel.

ONE…day…The desire to redo my teenage self will fade

Silent dreams…don’t dare to scream

Tonight my boyfriend and I watched a show called “The dead files” about a physical medium and a retired detective using  their skills to solve unexplained paranormal activity that people reach out to them for.

There was an episode that someone explained what they saw in their dream and I tell him “that’s how I feel in my dreams…like I want to scream and I can’t – nothing comes out” and he says to me “that’s what your therapist told you… wouldn’t it feel great to feel free?” and I wondered, how can I be set free? When will I be?

I feel fine on a regular basis. At least… I feel like I’m normal, like I am over it. That’s whats made this so difficult…

How do you get over something you feel your okay with ?

It has made it difficult to find a place to start to also know when there is an end..

Birthdays & emotions

it was my birthday yesterday… 27 yrs old now.

I don’t know whats been going on with me that I haven’t felt like myself and the person who’s getting the backlash is my boyfriend and he blames himself. Sure sometimes he will say something with an attitude and I just  stop talking. I try to think if its that my period is coming next week or if its my birth control affecting me differently. Then there’s also the whole thing that I’ve started to feel every year around my birthday… everything I thought my life would be and where I’m at…..

  • don’t have a big shot job… love my job just lately its been slow and then I was hired to help out and right now there isn’t much to do and its all done for me that I’m left there doing nothing but checking files to see of any new ones or new updates that are needed because i feel helpless. I don’t feel like I’m anything of value to the company so in some ways it does make me worry if this would lead me to being laid off but I keep trying to tell myself that later in the year this will all change..
  • Another year older and I still can’t even afford to live alone
  • Another year older and I’ve always wanted my weight to increase and now that it has its going straight to my stomach and it has me feeling like shit. I look at photos and see a “pudgy” gut, I look in the mirror and see fat on my sides starting to show, every morning I’m struggling to find clothes because I don’t fit in my pants, any dress or tight shirt makes me look pregnant. Yea, I appear skinny but my body is changing in ways I’ve never experienced before and now that it is I don’t feel pretty.
  • My allergies have gotten worse that now it seems that I’m allergic to more than I thought that I had an allergic reaction to even air in a grocery store. Frustrates me since now I don’t know what to stay away from.
  • Along with that almost everything has been causing intestinal spasm and bloating (which is painful)
  • School feels like a potential dead end because I don’t have the experience that is required for any job that comes out of it so what can I even use this major for? Do I even know what I want to do anymore?

I took the semester off for summer to try to breathe and instead I’m just not feeling like myself.. then it also comes to mind the sound of my old therapists voice…. Situational depression… Not having the energy to do anything productive and not knowing why I feel this way and how to make this go away. These are the feelings I had that made me start returning to therapy last year. Not feeling like myself and being unable to shake it that next thing I know I’m excluding myself. I don’t want my boyfriend to think that I don’t love him because I do and I can’t imagine my life without him. Times like this I just don’t know what to do or how to feel better…

This isn’t anything related to my usual posts its just something I’ve been going through

 

Sleep tight, don’t let anxiety bite 

You ever wake up with an panic attack? 

I’ve experienced one before but never one that woke me up. First time was in February at my boyfriends mom’s house. He was awake watching tv and I fell asleep then I wake up complaining that I’m hot, my heart is racing, I think my shirt is too tight, I need water. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe deep to slow my heart rhythm. Few weeks ago is happened again. Woke up in a sweat, didn’t check if my heart was racing I just felt that I couldn’t sleep n I needed air. My boyfriend just looked at me asking what was wrong how could he help. 

I wonder why those nights occur. Why I wake up with an anxiety attack and it’s not fun. Is it the thought of my past floating to the surface making my dreams haunt me? I’ve had several dreams throughout the years of being with him again but as if I were with him now n not images of how it was then. In my dreams I would have the same feeling as I did in real life of feeling caged and wanting to get out, how did I fool myself into going back. On those nights I wake up scared then relieved that it’s only my dog next to me and it was just a dream. 

Why is it that I have the dreams ? 

Why do the panic attacks happen only when my boyfriend is sleeping beside me but only happen twice when I don’t recall dreaming of anything?

Hopefully when I feel free the attacks in my sleep stop. The dreams fade.. 

One…..NIGHT…. it will never come back

Therapy week

I tried something new in therapy from my boyfriend with me city someone I spend so much time was and is known me for so long and during that time but I felt like it might be helpful for me. I want to someone there and say the things that they see in me when my attitude changes because of certain situations I come across. It helped me a little bit what are pulled onto was the question ‘ Do I need to tell my family, what will it do for me?’ I don’t really know the answer to that , and I don’t know telling them anything or make even a dent in the shadow that follows me. I just know that when I try to think about how I managed to get over my divorce the factor that may have been a big key for me was that everyone knew. I wrote in a blogs, saw a therapist, had deep conversations with my closest friends, I would have some conversations about it with my parents but I didn’t go too much into depth with me other than knowing that a divorce is going to happen but I feel comfort to because my parents are divorced so they knew what I was feeling in some ways granted their situation was much worse with kids being involved but still it’s the essence of divorce that I knew they could give me guidance and both of them would tell me that it would be okay you do move on. I explained in there be there with me this so difficult is the fact that I waited so many years to come out with it, is there anything anyone can even say to be able to come for me with this tweet a good with the divorce. 

There isn’t much to say at this point other than questions they are questions that I don’t want to answer. So, then it’s back to what am I afraid of?

Look at the memory so much that a lot of pieces to my password I don’t remember any more and only answer in moments it’s triggered and I see moments that I wished whenever there. Your boyfriend suggested hypnotherapy which I have read about before long time ago research into school paper but it never crossed my mind to do it now I wouldn’t even know where to begin looking for someone to do that now to unlock every memory. I’m so desperate to see what can I do to get past this and to truly live a normal life by living of acceptance. Is it with the help of my friends? My family knowing about it? Private therapist? Spiritual guidance? Hypnotherapy? Group therapy? 

One of the things I hope to gain from riding on here and being in a group is finding out all others were able to tell their families are you even tell a stranger that this is my story I am not broken. I am only scarred. 

I am still going to go forward with going to the group but I’m going to look for another group said see other one had me feeling a strange about it. Hopefully I can come across one soon. 

Abuse in public conversation

This weekend was one all about opening up.

My boyfriend and I got into a few arguments about my past relationship and it was sparked from a couple interacting with each other in a store. We overheard a man in the aisle next to us talking rudely to his girlfriend and cursing at her. We ended up in the same aisle because he was looking for deodorant and the man was saying “why the F did you come if your going to be like that” and I walked out of the aisle. Hearing that makes me uncomfortable. It brings back memories and makes me angry to feel the urge to say something to him.

I told my boyfriend how I felt and in my eyes he didn’t understand. He was telling me “she was laughing its probably not an abusive relationship” I got upset and said “you don’t know, I looked at her and she looked uncomfortable I used to do the same thing pretending to laugh and act tough in public” I eventually became quiet. We talked later on a little bit about it and again the next day. I told him “My problem with you is exactly why I don’t like to talk about myself, people who have never been in the situation don’t know what its like. You may say all this stuff about being brave and hitting someone back who ever touches you but when its someone you love who catches you by surprise in those few seconds your mind is trying to wrap itself around what is happening, the person you love decided to defy your trust and hurt you” and he says “You don’t talk about it to me, I’m here to listen when your ready and it will help you” I said “I don’t know if it will but I need to try…” So I went on and gave him details about how it began and how I came about the idea of ending it..

I know he’s going to have his opinion, he always will. An issue I have is that I felt misunderstood, that he only knew what happened but never knew my side of it. The fact that I did want to leave for YEARS and I had to carefully calculate my timing on when to leave. He said to me “you never directly told me what was going on in high school, did you wish I did something?” and I said “I know, i hinted at it, you played the role that I needed. You listened to me, I felt heard from somewhere and the last year that I was with him and you and I weren’t speaking I felt empty. You were always my escape to what made my day just a little better”

I’ll tell you all the story about my boyfriend and I in another post… Talking to him this weekend about it I burst into tears several times, not because he did anything but it was just going into detail about it out-loud was releasing those feelings and that was the first time other than being in front of a therapist that I said it and felt the pain.

ONE… Conversation at a time

One Step Back

I ended up not going to the appointment that I mentioned in my post “2nd step”..

I went to see my therapist on Monday and she suggested that I have my boyfriend go with me since I’m hypervigilent. I was actually thinking of avoiding the appointment, the thought of going was making me anxious. Can’t explain why and I told my boyfriend and he said “why would you not go?” and I said “I don’t know, maybe because of this whole thing being set up as classes it just sounds so strange but I’ll go.”

Yesterday, I get a phone call from a number 000-0000 (not kidding that’s the actual number) so I ignore it. Then, theres a voicemail. ” good afternoon, this phone call is to remind you about your appointment tomorrow Wednesday March 29 at 7pm. Please know that for your appointment you need to be on time. come alone. no children and if you can please give us a call back to confirm thank you and have a good day.”

Instantly I felt like something wasn’t right.

Why would they say to come alone?

How could I call back if they called from an unknown number?

Why didn’t they leave a call back number or an address?

I told my boyfriend about it and he said “why do they want you to come alone? I don’t like that” and I said “that’s strange. I’m not going” and he says “ok babe. I’ll go with you another time”

I feel sort of disappointed. I want to sit in a group and its not as easy as I thought it would be to find one….

One…day… I’ll try again

 

Public Announcement

I used to ask myself when I would see people making posts or speeches about abuse “why tell strangers? What do they care? Why are you calling out for pity?”

The longer I’ve been in therapy the more we have the conversations of why doesn’t my family know? Does anyone know? And it would be difficult for me to answer that because I don’t like to talk about it, my closest friends know and for fear of my safety when I would date someone I let them know just that in my past I’ve been physically abused. Ive began to think that maybe saying it in public at a meeting, an event or one day in a book, or even this blog, that it would be my way to tell my family that this is who I am and this is what happened to me..

Maybe by being able to say it out loud would help me be ok with myself and accepting that this is part of who I am instead of walking around blocking out the memory. Maybe it would make my anxieties and fears go away..

one…day… I’ll tell

 

 

2nd step… 

I made a phone call today.. it’s amazing how weird it was for me to even do more like how long it took me. A few weeks ago I emailed a organization to seek Group therapy and their response was for me to call a crisis hotline. Maybe in some ways calling a hotline would make that step a little more real and to being public with my past. On the drive home from work it popped up in my head for me to call so I did. The hotline person said it was great that I have a personal therapist and I told her part of my process is to attempt to be able to talk about it out loud to strangers and the. Person put me through to someone else to set up the therapies. The person I spoke to told me about appointments which I found strange, I thought they would just tell me a time and place when the meetings are held kind a like AA which is the way I pictured in my mind but I made an appointment for next Wednesday and I confirmed that it’s for group but, the woman said it’s for me to answer a bunch of questions for about an hour for them to see what kind of group I need and then they would tell me when the classes are that will be held Monday through Thursday in the morning or late evenings. Of course I had to ask since this seems like a longer process than I had pictured in my mind, if this was free? Thankfully it is.  I would’ve probably paid anyways for a meeting or two depending on the cost if there was one. I’m looking forward to it but I also don’t know how I feel about it since I don’t know how long this whole thing is going to be.

How am I even going to react?

Am I going to break down in tears I just being there? Or, am I going to cry hearing other people stories, or even saying out loud to strangers that I’m a survivor.
When I first met my therapist I was going to her for marriage counseling. In the sessions I had with her I decided to file for divorce and I felt strong and I never forgot that on my last session before I told her I wanted to discontinue therapy she called me a survivor, words I’ve never heard before.

I’ve never considered myself a survivor. 

I considered myself just a girl that got out of a situation that she didn’t want to be in anymore to live a better life.words that shook me a long time. Today was the first time I said it out loud to someone other my therapist..

I’m a domestic violence survivor

..a few second after I almost cried. 

if those of you read this, and you are still in that situation your a survivor every day you wake up or find that lie to avoid a fight or please your partner for one more minute to keep yourself safe. …

one… day… at a time

The flashbacks 

Last night I mutual friend of me and my boyfriend who is his best friend called me looking for him to grab a drink but because my boyfriend was working late he asked me to go and I said sure. We went to a bar and took a selfie to rub it in my boyfriends face that we were drinking while he was still working. And I ended up leaving a little late to go pick him up in my mind I thought I would have time but I ended up being 10 minutes late.

He called me while I was on my way asking if I was there and I told him where I was and from the tone of his voice saying OK I knew he was upset. I instantly got this fear picturing what would have happened in the past. I would have gotten yelled at for being late, for being out with a guy even if it was his own friend, accused of cheating, and and leading to being hit.

So naturally I became nervous and as I was pulling up into his job I thought to myself “this isn’t him he wouldn’t hurt you he’s just tired from working a 12 hour shift he’s hungry” when he got into the car he was moody and because he still felt a little anxious I stay quiet I wanted to observe what he would say.  I tried to act normal and ask him how his day was and he said he was tired got some Bad news about friends. He asked me how my day was and I said the usual then he asked me what’s wrong with me, and at first I said nothing then i became more aware that he was bothered about something that had nothing to do with me; so, we drove in silence for a little while. And he gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me he loved me.

I asked him today if me being out with his friend bothered him and he said not at all he was just a little annoyed that I showed up late because he wanted to go home but it didn’t matter anymore.

—-

It’s crazy how an attitude can instantly give you a little fear of a little memory or picturing in your head if this was him this is what the repercussions would be. I’m trying to remind myself that my life now isn’t what it was then it’s just hard trying to keep the flashbacks from coming up. ..a little better each day…

I hope…