Nobody’s listening

When I listen to Linkin Park’s lyrics it matters more to who I am now than what I thought the words meant to me as a teenager. Trying to overcome the past and truly live is what I’ve been trying to do with therapy for months it’s why I created this blog. It’s the battle inside of me every day.

In many ways I’ve been living like Chester. From looking at my life now you see a girl who has a good life, a supportive & loving boyfriend, good job, who’s friendly  and happy.  Her abusive past? it was 7 years ago she’s over it by now… In certain moments I can’t control are flashbacks of the past, seeing his face in my dreams. I thought that maybe if I show it enough on the outside that on the inside it will reflect but I was wrong. I used to think that if I was public about my past that it would mean I was over it but that doesn’t matter if its still eating my insides.

Lately in the news over the  past month it was reported how Chester was telling fans to move the fuck on because of how many people were saying they wanted music like Hybrid theory when its not who he is anymore. He said to Music Week “When we made Hybrid Theory, I was the oldest guy in the band and in my early ’20s. That’s why I guess I’m like: ‘Why are we still talking about Hybrid Theory? It’s fucking years ago. It’s a great record, we love it. Like, move the fuck on.’ You know what I mean?”

http://www.avclub.com/article/linkin-park-wants-fans-move-fuck-album-they-255091

He appreciated that we loved it but he wanted everyone to grow with his music and it made sense. His new music may have had a different musical background than the heavy guitars but it showed that this soul was still hurting and trying to fight a battle from within that sadly won.

I don’t want my demons to overcome me….

 

Advertisements

Day 1: “Hello..”

Met my psychotherapist today. It went well. He did an assessment to get to know me and asked me to fill out a Dissociative Identity Disorder scale test at home to check how present I will be for EMDR therapy. Therapists have to know where your brain is at to be able  to make the most out of EMDR.

The assessment consisted in questions like “have you ever thought about suicide” “Have you ever taken medication or tried to self medicate” “Has anyone in your family been diagnosed with any mental disorders?” “Was that person the only one to be abusive to you” “Do you participate in any physical activities?” ect… Also asked me to recall a few significant moments of that remember from the relationship to work on it in EMDR.

My last job (one I was fired from) was a trigger which was why I had problems staying quiet. The feelings of being watched, told what to do, how to do it, how I do my job is wrong– its was a replicate to what I felt in my past. I mentioned this to him and he agreed that it was not a healthy environment for me, he can see why I had problems working there.

He said that EMDR is a good fit for me to do but I have to truly be ready to go through the journey, practice mindfulness (which I have been told to do in the past), and go to the beach, take walks, or meditate to relax myself because it’s important that I take care of myself in order to become stronger.

He asked if I’ve ever been diagnosed and I told him I haven’t I’ve only been told that I’m hypervigilant. At the end of the session he mentioned to me that I definitely display symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Social Anxiety.

I go back next Tuesday. Which will be my first official session of EMDR. I’m excited.

Have you tried it or thought about it? Share your thoughts/experiences with me.

 

Memories into nightmares

Another nightmare last night.. Makes 2 this week.

It always consists of some sort of being back with HIM and the caged feeling. Last night it was that he was having people hunt for me all because I broke up with him. Just when I think I’m doing good aside from regular life drama and I get haunted in my dreams of different versions of my old life. I hate seeing his face.

I’ve been looking into a form of therapy called Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR). The EMDR Institute explains it as “a psychotherapy treatment that was originally designed to alleviate the distress associated with traumatic memories (Shapiro, 1989a, 1989b). “

Its explained further below:

“EMDR therapy is an eight-phase treatment.  Eye movements (or other bilateral stimulation) are used during one part of the session.  After the clinician has determined which memory to target first, he asks the client to hold different aspects of that event or thought in mind and to use his eyes to track the therapist’s hand as it moves back and forth across the client’s field of vision.  As this happens, for reasons believed by a Harvard researcher to be connected with the biological mechanisms involved in Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep, internal associations arise and the clients begin to process the memory and disturbing feelings. In successful EMDR therapy, the meaning of painful events is transformed on an emotional level.  ”

“If the system is blocked or imbalanced by the impact of a disturbing event, the emotional wound festers and can cause intense suffering.  Once the block is removed, healing resumes.  Using the detailed protocols and procedures learned in EMDR therapy training sessions, clinicians help clients activate their natural healing processes.”

Which is what I need help on, as I’ve mentioned in previous posts. My way of coping these past 7 years has been to act like it doesn’t exist, block it out from my memories. Life has been showing me in these past 2 years its not as easy anymore. These nightmares need to stop, I need to feel control. Have you ever had a nocturnal panic attack? I had my first one in February this year and it scared me. I was out of town with my boyfriend and I fell asleep early while he watched tv. I jumped up in a sweat, panting, short of breath, heart racing. I didn’t know what was going on what was wrong with me or why it happened and he didn’t know what to do he got me water and I changed my clothes into something more comfortable. It’s happened about 2 more times after that and then other panic attacks during the day at my job, since I’ve been without work I haven’t experienced any at home. I wonder if high stress throws me into a panic attack? Many times in my job I felt caged, undervalued perhaps similar to my that relationship which could explain why I couldn’t keep quiet about the mistreatment.

Anyway, I found a psychotherapist to do EMDR with me and I have to schedule my first session.. I will let you know how it goes..

Light starts to fade

My last post referred to my happiness of being stress free from a job and instead its become a new stress of everyone I live with so now its bothering me that because I don’t have a job I can’t leave. I’m a problem because I don’t have a job yet no one pays any of my bills to need to care.

My younger sibling feels a need to try to control the house. Gets their own groceries which is mostly liquid to bring to work and I’m here all day with no food. My dad feels bad that he sees me getting food because of nothing being here and my sibling says to me that I’m guilting my dad that he’s in a bad money situation and can’t afford to get full groceries when he can he’s offered to pay my car monthly so clearly he’s not in a bad spot. My dad has a store credit card that my sibling keeps in their wallet. I can’t go grocery shopping alone I have to go when they want and only buy what they want, can’t even get freaking dried Rosemary. I just get so tired of this same song & dance every month. My last therapist had the issue with me that I put others before myself for the sake of avoiding conflict but in situations like this what am I supposed to do? The only way I can think of putting myself first is taking myself out of this house and I feel trapped because I don’t have the money to afford rent. I have started to apply to places and if I get desperate I could go back to my old firm but there are more cons to go back than find something new.

I want to feel less pressure with work and do what one of my therapists told me which is.. “Focus on school, get a job that is purely for fun something you like and get you a different experience in life that isn’t stressful.” I just want to stay happy and alone but everyone around me wants to have an opinion and make me feel like a burden or loser that I can’t wait to move out and my home life relationships will get better because we aren’t living in the same house.

Little bit taller

It’s almost a month that I have been jobless.

I feel a sense of freedom. A weight that’s been lifted off of me. Each day that I was there I felt trapped and watched like a bird in a zoo.  I was the enemy for speaking up about the mistreatment that everyone felt but was too afraid to say out loud. Now I get up and dictate my own day. I read, practice languages online, cook new recipes from Pinterest.

The only thing that I miss is receiving a pay check but other than that I’m happy. I don’t complain as much. I would draw but I can’t find any of my erasers. I have thought about returning to my old job but its too far, doesn’t pay that well for the work I did, and I just hated being a receptionist. I loved everyone in the company, they are great people.

Sometimes I do think that maybe I was too vocal about my feelings and views on management then again I wasn’t wrong in how I felt, it angered me more when I tried to do the right thing and go to HR and instead my words weren’t investigated, I was just a problem. “If you don’t like it then maybe this isn’t the company for you”. It blows my mind that the owners try to pretend that they are a happy loving company yet if your not willing to put your head down and take mistreatment from managers then your easily replaceable. Would you want to work for a company that is only 100 people or less and every one is only a number? It angers me now to think of all the people with families who give up good jobs to work there based on the lies they are told and there are no Glassdoor pages to learn from past employees on their experiences. I witnessed many people getting fired within months of working there for no reason. What about their families depending on them?

Thinking of other people who aren’t in the position that I am is what bothers me most. Every human deserves to be valued, 40 hours + is more than what you spend at work than home. You are more than just a number, what you bring to the table is unique and valuable. If your job doesn’t make you feel valued, why stay?

Moments of blahh…

4 days and no phone call. Can I say I’m surprised? Not really. I knew I lost the job in my second interview. I don’t fit into any role in that place according to them. They wanted to create something that I couldn’t fake it to be ready for even though my friends tell my I am ready and that the nerves would go away once I sat infront of the database. Well, now I’ll never know in that company, I will somewhere else.

I guess because of that job and the expectations and hopes everyone filled me with is why today just doesn’t feel like a day… You ever have one of those? Where nothing feels right? You change your clothes 3 times to look decent in the mirror, straighten you hair and yet your hair isn’t responding to the heat so your hair is still a mess. You try to find your mojo in the things you like but today just isn’t that day..

I tried to draw which is usually where I can lose myself for hours but I can’t remember where I left all of my erasers. I just want today to be done with to try to start tomorrow new…

Have you had a day that just wasn’t today?

Can my life be mine to live?

The past 24 hours… Have been.. strange……

Week 2 without a job (mind you I spend all day studying and practicing code) and here start the questions…

“Have you applied to other places?”

“Since your home, can you wash my clothes?”

“Can you cook? You have time to practice” (yet we don’t have much to cook with)

“Can you clean?”

I already clean so that’s an insult. I can’t mop because we just have a Swiffer, that doesn’t clean right and you have to change the wet pads like 4 times to clean the whole house. Who said that because I’m home I have to be the maid and have food cooked by the time everyone comes home?

I have money from school, plenty of other grad students survive without a job and live off of the school loans. In my family they want you to work and do it all, yet no one ever asks you about when your moving out to get your own life…. hmm.. If I decided to stay home its not to become someone’s maid its for me. To focus on school, on learning about computers, but no one in this house gets that. Idk why they even care they don’t pay my bills.

Today hasn’t been a good day. I had an interview last week that went great and a second one today that left me unsure but still I may get a call. Either way for right now I’m ok with not working because school has given me funds that cover my bills but What I can’t deal with is my family.

My day started off shitty when last night my sister tells me “dad thinks you should cook and clean since your home all day” I said nothing and went to my room. This morning my dad asks me if I looked anywhere else as I was getting ready for my interview and says “you know you could practice cooking and cleaning so you don’t get depressed being home” and I said “I’m learning to program and I’m in school. I don’t sit here and do nothing all day” and he said “ok I just don’t want it to bother you, the mind is f^(&d up you know?”

Then my interview went all weird… I go in looking for a basic job to get me by and instead i’m put on a pedestal of being some master programmer so the experienced programmer wanted to meet me and I could tell I disappointed him so now I don’t feel confident in having the job anymore. I didn’t try to apply for a job I wasn’t ready for I know I’m not ready for a full blown tech job.

I feel like a cluster of a bubble of everyone wanting me to be someone to fit their idea of how I should be.

 

October…

Well, these past few months have been a hell of a ride. First my anxiety levels are all over the place. When Irma was about to hit I had panic attacks over and over which made me have to research ways to put myself back together.Hurricane Maria destroyed the island where a large number of my family lives so I would cry back and forth, never knowing how much I do love my home until I saw it like this. A few talks with my boyfriend and he makes sense to say that I can’t let the fear of natural disaster or nuclear war throw myself into constant panic attacks when I can’t do anything about it, every where in the world has issues.

I’ve been so stressed with work that school took a back seat. I switched majors and now i’m on a more computer based track than medicine which may be better for me, its something I’ve always wanted to learn but never had the right tools to do it and I kept thinking “No, medicine is the future, medicine is my passion.”

Work wasn’t what they presented it to be when I first started. Management would hide my ideas from the owners and take credit for it while treating everyone like they are in prison. Monitoring every move, computers, cameras, microphones, you couldn’t even scan a piece of paper without permission. I expressed my concerns to HR and nothing was ever done. What started out as me simply trying to prove how much of an asset I can be to my manager turned into her looking at me as a threat to her position. A position for supervisor became available and what was supposed to be internally filled, the manager decided to bring in an outsider instead which made me realize that within this company I’m never going to grow.  In some ways I felt like a caged animal, similar to how I felt in my old relationship. Everything had to be done with permission to the point that I couldn’t send an email without it being proof read, as if you’re not trusted. The more I try to just roll it and do the changes, the more things changed and one day its ok for me to do something one way and tomorrow I’m doing it suddenly wrong. I didn’t go to college to be told I’m not allowed to think for myself. Nothing management does has anything to do with the actual job which is what has been so bizarre to me. They care more if I follow the break schedule and if I go to the bathroom alone. Needless to say, after 6 months I couldn’t stay.

Anyway, I’m in a transition of life right now and it feels good. I’m trying to work back on getting better with school while teaching myself how to code.

Easier to run

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I’ve kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they’ve played

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

[Chorus]
It’s easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It’s so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn’t have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there’d never be a past

When my boyfriend asks me why can’t I get over my past its that exact reasons what LP said in those lyrics. A piece of me was taken away…Sometimes I have dreams of my ex being back in my life and I’m in the relationship again and I get that feeling I had whenever he started to make rules for me to abide by because to him it made the relationship better and it was the worst feeling.  One night a few weeks ago I had a dream… He was approaching me to be in a relationship again and instead of giving in I said to him that I didn’t want this, he can’t control my life anymore. I woke up not knowing how to feel. Did that mean I was fully over it like how they are in movies that when you see yourself be your own hero the villain is gone?

My boyfriend is right and so is my therapist that in many ways I learned from my past to make better choices. I never allow anyone to even attempt to put me down. I knew it wasn’t my fault I knew being hurt is not the life I deserved and I got out.  I never repeated the pattern of being in that type of relationship. I have been out with friends, rekindled friendships and relationships. I was in a night club last year and he was there, instead of running away and going home I stayed. I danced. At one point he was next to me dancing and I felt more like I wanted him to see me, feeling happy.  I guess the shame  guilt for being in the relationship is what consumed me, I didn’t allow not just one person to hurt me but two.

I forgave myself enough to get out but I didn’t forgive myself for feeling ashamed.

On this day I try to let go….

Castle of Glass

Today, while I was at work I saw online news that hit me hard. I felt my heart sink in disbelief. Chester Bennington has committed suicide….

Shortly after I discovered Evanescence at 13 I came across Linkin Park. The uniqueness and power in his voice and emotions in his words helped me through my parents divorce. When my “first” love ended up being mean to me I used to listen to the LP albums on repeat to help feel strong. It was a mix of Evanescence’s only album at the time – Fallen- and listening to Hybrid Theory & Meteora. When I used to write poems I would have My December repeating as I cried. On my way to Disney World with band in 2004 I had only Hybrid Theory & Meteora cd’s with me and it was all I listened to on the way there and back.

I got to see them live in 2014 and sure throughout the years I didn’t like the entire new albums but there were songs here n there that I liked. They were coming back to my hometown in August and I wanted to go.  Its just so bizarre to me just a few months ago I bought Hybrid Theory in Best Buy to listen to it again (x boyfriend of 6 years broke their cd to hurt me) in my car speakers and I listened to their new album when it released in May. It just hits me hard when there’s been 3 bands who made my life feel less lonely in the critical times of my life when I didn’t have any friends to hang around or family because my ex isolated me to the point that sometimes death did seem like the only way I would feel free and less guilty for letting my life turn out that way. I felt that I neglected everyone so much that by the time I would finally let him go would anyone care for me anymore?            Evanescence, Linkin Park, Avenged Sevenfold.

Chester was happy in interviews and expressed the power of music on people and how honored he felt in what he does.. His music helped you feel to overcome those who want to hurt you and make u feel less than who you are. “trying to put my trust in you just takes so much out of me. I swear for the last time I wont trust myself with you.” – From the Inside

Don’t stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
What you were changing me into
(Just give me myself back and)
Don’t stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
Take all your faithlessness with you
(Just give me myself back and)
Don’t stay
Sometimes I feel like I trusted you too well

Sometimes I just feel like screaming at myself

Sometimes I’m in disbelief I didn’t know….

Those lyrics echoed in my head a lot along with so many others. (“Somewhere I belong” is another) coming out of a man’s mouth were the emotions I felt… Wanting to heal myself and gather the strength to pick up my own pieces and get away and start my life over on my terms.

One day I did….. Rest in Peace Chester…