Like most of you, I’m here from recommendations by my therapist. Not sure where to start but here goes…
From the time I was 14 I met a boy who was funny, nice, walked me home, and i wanted this boy to be my boyfriend. After some months of getting to know one another we began dating. Like most young couples we broke up and got back together a few times. The relationship was “on and off” till I was 20 years old.
Turns out he wasn’t so nice…
High school was not what I wanted it to be. I didn’t join any clubs, go to football games, hang at the mall with girlfriends, try out for band. All because he didn’t let me. He wanted me at his side 24/7. If I ever got him upset he hit me, or if he just made himself upset for no reason I was the one who sufffered the consequences. He Monitored my phone, come into my room and inspect my furniture to make sure it wasn’t moved for someone else to come into my room or for me to sneak out. All because I let him sneak in ONE time. Anytime I hung out with someone it was either because he was there or he “approved” it. He made me delete my myspace page. He made me stop talking to my best friend. I couldn’t keep a diary because that meant writing things down that he didn’t know. I only had a real high school experience my last two months of senior year because we weren’t together..
When I was 20 years old I had enough of him and this life. I felt like a bird in a cage of a circus. To the world I put on a show, smile on my face, defending my douchebag boyfriend while inside I hated him too. I hated myself, not for staying but for not telling anyone to protect myself. One day I gathered the strength to leave and it was NOT an easy thing to do because he did not want to be with me but it was as though he was upset for not being the one to decide to end it. But we both knew this relationship was not what we wanted, we did not care for one another. His jealousy was out of control and I guess it hit a point for him that he didn’t want to continue living with that anymore. I only say that because eventually he did leave me alone. He lived his life and I lived mine. A year later I met someone who became my husband, we were the couple everyone wanted to be but that didn’t work out and that was for the best. We weren’t compatible.
Which leads me to here…. 7 years later from the bad relationship and I’m still living in with this dark cloud. In way it feels like the relationship is still going on so its 13 years long instead of 6 years. I’ve become more anxious, if anything sparks a memory I don’t act like myself, I become overly angry trying to hide my anxiety. I second guess everywhere I go, especially if I’m alone or at night.
The purpose of this blog is to write down every day what I go through in search of finding my way out of this and I could not do it alone– with the help of my therapist, boyfriend, best friend, and maybe strangers online.
So, that’s all for my first post.