Ghosts of ex’s past

On my weekends I like to wake up. Relax. Catch up on my shows on demand and sip on a cup of coffee to feel energized to get some school work or chores done….

Today, my little sister goes shopping alone, I like to shop alone but I also have fears of situations when I’m going to my car. My little sister goes shopping and calls me telling me her ex-boyfriend is following her in the store asking her to talk. Instead of having someone walk her to her car she goes alone to be brave and it pisses me off. I let my boyfriend borrow my car so I couldn’t do anything to get to her and her boyfriend is another city. She comes home safe. I don’t believe the guy is willing to harm her. Perhaps it’s my own anxieties of running into my exboyfriend while I’m shopping alone.

My boyfriend gets annoyed with my fears but I’m small, a female walking alone can be easily followed and harmed. To make matters worse for me is that people were recently being following in the stores right near me to their houses and being robbed and beaten. The news were warning women not to shop alone. Only some of the people involved were caught.

Now, I’m sitting here trying to do my school work and I can’t focus. My heart is racing and I can’t get it to slow down. Everything is now distracting me, the sound of my sisters tv, my dogs wanting to come in and out of the house, I hate being in my room it’s so dark with a little window that doesn’t get much light, my desk chair doesn’t have much cushion but my room is too small to have a bigger chair. I want to sleep or scream. I want to get out of grad school. I want all the distractions and people to go away. Where did my motivation go? When I was doing my undergrad I was so focused and determined. I suppose my lack of finding an adult job made me lose the drive to do more in fear of having another degree and still working jobs that I don’t make more than 25,000 a year.

I secretly think sometimes that I want my life to amount to more than this. That if HE ever knows something about me, it’s that I have a fabulous life. Instead it’s the same. I live in the same house, newer car, high education but closer into my 30s with still needing my parents to support a roof over my head because I can’t support myself. I don’t find a point in getting a new job because when I have to do my practical for school it’s full time.

I was told a story by my therapist about someone who was abused by a relative and they use that as their motivation of telling that person in their heard to F off every time they succeed at something or use it as like the strength that got them to be that successful. I admire that.

I don’t know where where along the ball I feel like a loser and I too think in head about being better because I am better than the person I was with when I was with him. But I suppose since my “adulting” abilities have never changed I feel pathetic..

I’m going to go shower. Maybe I need to feel refreshed and new to start my day over and have another cup of coffee.

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