Why are you silent?

A question we are all asked.

SHAME.

What people don’t understand (at least for me) that being silent is avoiding the looks, the I’m sorry’s. the questions, the pity.

I’ve never been one to want the be the center of attention. I never wanted to have pity. When my parents split up  (I was 13)  I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want people to say “aww I’m so sorry your going through this” I wanted to keep the situation in the family, and stay strong for my baby sister so that she wouldn’t feel helpless.

I feel like people don’t know what to say, they say things about “I’m glad u spoke up women who stay silent is bullshit”… Domestic violence isn’t something easy to speak about. It takes so long to even get your mind wrapped around accepting that this happened and as my therapist says “this doesn’t have to control you, this is part of your story, part of your past, it doesn’t have to control your future”

To this day I don’t speak up because I don’t want the I’m sorry’s I don’t want people to even comment about it. Sometimes talking about it alone to my boyfriend or best friend makes me emotional.It makes me feel a mix of emotions, anger towards myself for, sadness— because in these conversations, images come in my head that I just wish were never there and avoiding to talk about it lets me live like it never happened. Is it healthy? mentally- not so much which is why I decided to get help.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m also staying quiet in fear of what he would do if he knew I as talking about him, exposing him for the malicious person  he was in our relationship.

Sometimes…. silence is a survivor trying to pretend that the memories aren’t real.. but what we don’t realize is that the memories were never accepted, it lives under the surface …..boiling…

 

 

 

 

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