The flashbacks 

Last night I mutual friend of me and my boyfriend who is his best friend called me looking for him to grab a drink but because my boyfriend was working late he asked me to go and I said sure. We went to a bar and took a selfie to rub it in my boyfriends face that we were drinking while he was still working. And I ended up leaving a little late to go pick him up in my mind I thought I would have time but I ended up being 10 minutes late.

He called me while I was on my way asking if I was there and I told him where I was and from the tone of his voice saying OK I knew he was upset. I instantly got this fear picturing what would have happened in the past. I would have gotten yelled at for being late, for being out with a guy even if it was his own friend, accused of cheating, and and leading to being hit.

So naturally I became nervous and as I was pulling up into his job I thought to myself “this isn’t him he wouldn’t hurt you he’s just tired from working a 12 hour shift he’s hungry” when he got into the car he was moody and because he still felt a little anxious I stay quiet I wanted to observe what he would say.  I tried to act normal and ask him how his day was and he said he was tired got some Bad news about friends. He asked me how my day was and I said the usual then he asked me what’s wrong with me, and at first I said nothing then i became more aware that he was bothered about something that had nothing to do with me; so, we drove in silence for a little while. And he gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me he loved me.

I asked him today if me being out with his friend bothered him and he said not at all he was just a little annoyed that I showed up late because he wanted to go home but it didn’t matter anymore.

—-

It’s crazy how an attitude can instantly give you a little fear of a little memory or picturing in your head if this was him this is what the repercussions would be. I’m trying to remind myself that my life now isn’t what it was then it’s just hard trying to keep the flashbacks from coming up. ..a little better each day…

I hope…

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