Sleep tight, don’t let anxiety biteĀ 

You ever wake up with an panic attack? 

I’ve experienced one before but never one that woke me up. First time was in February at my boyfriends mom’s house. He was awake watching tv and I fell asleep then I wake up complaining that I’m hot, my heart is racing, I think my shirt is too tight, I need water. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe deep to slow my heart rhythm. Few weeks ago is happened again. Woke up in a sweat, didn’t check if my heart was racing I just felt that I couldn’t sleep n I needed air. My boyfriend just looked at me asking what was wrong how could he help. 

I wonder why those nights occur. Why I wake up with an anxiety attack and it’s not fun. Is it the thought of my past floating to the surface making my dreams haunt me? I’ve had several dreams throughout the years of being with him again but as if I were with him now n not images of how it was then. In my dreams I would have the same feeling as I did in real life of feeling caged and wanting to get out, how did I fool myself into going back. On those nights I wake up scared then relieved that it’s only my dog next to me and it was just a dream. 

Why is it that I have the dreams ? 

Why do the panic attacks happen only when my boyfriend is sleeping beside me but only happen twice when I don’t recall dreaming of anything?

Hopefully when I feel free the attacks in my sleep stop. The dreams fade.. 

One…..NIGHT…. it will never come back

Therapy week

I tried something new in therapy from my boyfriend with me city someone I spend so much time was and is known me for so long and during that time but I felt like it might be helpful for me. I want to someone there and say the things that they see in me when my attitude changes because of certain situations I come across. It helped me a little bit what are pulled onto was the question ‘ Do I need to tell my family, what will it do for me?’ I don’t really know the answer to that , and I don’t know telling them anything or make even a dent in the shadow that follows me. I just know that when I try to think about how I managed to get over my divorce the factor that may have been a big key for me was that everyone knew. I wrote in a blogs, saw a therapist, had deep conversations with my closest friends, I would have some conversations about it with my parents but I didn’t go too much into depth with me other than knowing that a divorce is going to happen but I feel comfort to because my parents are divorced so they knew what I was feeling in some ways granted their situation was much worse with kids being involved but still it’s the essence of divorce that I knew they could give me guidance and both of them would tell me that it would be okay you do move on. I explained in there be there with me this so difficult is the fact that I waited so many years to come out with it, is there anything anyone can even say to be able to come for me with this tweet a good with the divorce. 

There isn’t much to say at this point other than questions they are questions that I don’t want to answer. So, then it’s back to what am I afraid of?

Look at the memory so much that a lot of pieces to my password I don’t remember any more and only answer in moments it’s triggered and I see moments that I wished whenever there. Your boyfriend suggested hypnotherapy which I have read about before long time ago research into school paper but it never crossed my mind to do it now I wouldn’t even know where to begin looking for someone to do that now to unlock every memory. I’m so desperate to see what can I do to get past this and to truly live a normal life by living of acceptance. Is it with the help of my friends? My family knowing about it? Private therapist? Spiritual guidance? Hypnotherapy? Group therapy? 

One of the things I hope to gain from riding on here and being in a group is finding out all others were able to tell their families are you even tell a stranger that this is my story I am not broken. I am only scarred. 

I am still going to go forward with going to the group but I’m going to look for another group said see other one had me feeling a strange about it. Hopefully I can come across one soon. 

Abuse in public conversation

This weekend was one all about opening up.

My boyfriend and I got into a few arguments about my past relationship and it was sparked from a couple interacting with each other in a store. We overheard a man in the aisle next to us talking rudely to his girlfriend and cursing at her. We ended up in the same aisle because he was looking for deodorant and the man was saying “why the F did you come if your going to be like that” and I walked out of the aisle. Hearing that makes me uncomfortable. It brings back memories and makes me angry to feel the urge to say something to him.

I told my boyfriend how I felt and in my eyes he didn’t understand. He was telling me “she was laughing its probably not an abusive relationship” I got upset and said “you don’t know, I looked at her and she looked uncomfortable I used to do the same thing pretending to laugh and act tough in public” I eventually became quiet. We talked later on a little bit about it and again the next day. I told him “My problem with you is exactly why I don’t like to talk about myself, people who have never been in the situation don’t know what its like. You may say all this stuff about being brave and hitting someone back who ever touches you but when its someone you love who catches you by surprise in those few seconds your mind is trying to wrap itself around what is happening, the person you love decided to defy your trust and hurt you” and he says “You don’t talk about it to me, I’m here to listen when your ready and it will help you” I said “I don’t know if it will but I need to try…” So I went on and gave him details about how it began and how I came about the idea of ending it..

I know he’s going to have his opinion, he always will. An issue I have is that I felt misunderstood, that he only knew what happened but never knew my side of it. The fact that I did want to leave for YEARS and I had to carefully calculate my timing on when to leave. He said to me “you never directly told me what was going on in high school, did you wish I did something?” and I said “I know, i hinted at it, you played the role that I needed. You listened to me, I felt heard from somewhere and the last year that I was with him and you and I weren’t speaking I felt empty. You were always my escape to what made my day just a little better”

I’ll tell you all the story about my boyfriend and I in another post… Talking to him this weekend about it I burst into tears several times, not because he did anything but it was just going into detail about it out-loud was releasing those feelings and that was the first time other than being in front of a therapist that I said it and felt the pain.

ONE… Conversation at a time