This weekend was one all about opening up.
My boyfriend and I got into a few arguments about my past relationship and it was sparked from a couple interacting with each other in a store. We overheard a man in the aisle next to us talking rudely to his girlfriend and cursing at her. We ended up in the same aisle because he was looking for deodorant and the man was saying “why the F did you come if your going to be like that” and I walked out of the aisle. Hearing that makes me uncomfortable. It brings back memories and makes me angry to feel the urge to say something to him.
I told my boyfriend how I felt and in my eyes he didn’t understand. He was telling me “she was laughing its probably not an abusive relationship” I got upset and said “you don’t know, I looked at her and she looked uncomfortable I used to do the same thing pretending to laugh and act tough in public” I eventually became quiet. We talked later on a little bit about it and again the next day. I told him “My problem with you is exactly why I don’t like to talk about myself, people who have never been in the situation don’t know what its like. You may say all this stuff about being brave and hitting someone back who ever touches you but when its someone you love who catches you by surprise in those few seconds your mind is trying to wrap itself around what is happening, the person you love decided to defy your trust and hurt you” and he says “You don’t talk about it to me, I’m here to listen when your ready and it will help you” I said “I don’t know if it will but I need to try…” So I went on and gave him details about how it began and how I came about the idea of ending it..
I know he’s going to have his opinion, he always will. An issue I have is that I felt misunderstood, that he only knew what happened but never knew my side of it. The fact that I did want to leave for YEARS and I had to carefully calculate my timing on when to leave. He said to me “you never directly told me what was going on in high school, did you wish I did something?” and I said “I know, i hinted at it, you played the role that I needed. You listened to me, I felt heard from somewhere and the last year that I was with him and you and I weren’t speaking I felt empty. You were always my escape to what made my day just a little better”
I’ll tell you all the story about my boyfriend and I in another post… Talking to him this weekend about it I burst into tears several times, not because he did anything but it was just going into detail about it out-loud was releasing those feelings and that was the first time other than being in front of a therapist that I said it and felt the pain.
ONE… Conversation at a time