Silent dreams…don’t dare to scream

Tonight my boyfriend and I watched a show called “The dead files” about a physical medium and a retired detective using  their skills to solve unexplained paranormal activity that people reach out to them for.

There was an episode that someone explained what they saw in their dream and I tell him “that’s how I feel in my dreams…like I want to scream and I can’t – nothing comes out” and he says to me “that’s what your therapist told you… wouldn’t it feel great to feel free?” and I wondered, how can I be set free? When will I be?

I feel fine on a regular basis. At least… I feel like I’m normal, like I am over it. That’s whats made this so difficult…

How do you get over something you feel your okay with ?

It has made it difficult to find a place to start to also know when there is an end..


Birthdays & emotions

it was my birthday yesterday… 27 yrs old now.

I don’t know whats been going on with me that I haven’t felt like myself and the person who’s getting the backlash is my boyfriend and he blames himself. Sure sometimes he will say something with an attitude and I just ┬ástop talking. I try to think if its that my period is coming next week or if its my birth control affecting me differently. Then there’s also the whole thing that I’ve started to feel every year around my birthday… everything I thought my life would be and where I’m at…..

  • don’t have a big shot job… love my job just lately its been slow and then I was hired to help out and right now there isn’t much to do and its all done for me that I’m left there doing nothing but checking files to see of any new ones or new updates that are needed because i feel helpless. I don’t feel like I’m anything of value to the company so in some ways it does make me worry if this would lead me to being laid off but I keep trying to tell myself that later in the year this will all change..
  • Another year older and I still can’t even afford to live alone
  • Another year older and I’ve always wanted my weight to increase and now that it has its going straight to my stomach and it has me feeling like shit. I look at photos and see a “pudgy” gut, I look in the mirror and see fat on my sides starting to show, every morning I’m struggling to find clothes because I don’t fit in my pants, any dress or tight shirt makes me look pregnant. Yea, I appear skinny but my body is changing in ways I’ve never experienced before and now that it is I don’t feel pretty.
  • My allergies have gotten worse that now it seems that I’m allergic to more than I thought that I had an allergic reaction to even air in a grocery store. Frustrates me since now I don’t know what to stay away from.
  • Along with that almost everything has been causing intestinal spasm and bloating (which is painful)
  • School feels like a potential dead end because I don’t have the experience that is required for any job that comes out of it so what can I even use this major for? Do I even know what I want to do anymore?

I took the semester off for summer to try to breathe and instead I’m just not feeling like myself.. then it also comes to mind the sound of my old therapists voice…. Situational depression… Not having the energy to do anything productive and not knowing why I feel this way and how to make this go away. These are the feelings I had that made me start returning to therapy last year. Not feeling like myself and being unable to shake it that next thing I know I’m excluding myself. I don’t want my boyfriend to think that I don’t love him because I do and I can’t imagine my life without him. Times like this I just don’t know what to do or how to feel better…

This isn’t anything related to my usual posts its just something I’ve been going through