Chronic

Well lately I’ve been stressed and it’s hit a high point that yesterday I experienced the worst spasms that no medicine I had could fix. My boyfriend tried rubbing my back, advising me to drink water but with every drop that hit my stomach it hurt and the pain only got stronger. I went to the ER in tears, shortness of breath, unable to speak, begging to make the pain stop. I never felt that before. I was given morphine which instantly worked. I don’t know how I would have gotten through that without my boyfriend. He was calm, one hell of a rock to me. My GI doc is gonna get a kick out of this. My junk food days are over. But, then again who knows if stress is what finally took hold of me.

Short background of my medical history- I was diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome, mild gastritis 5 years ago, and non-ulcer dyspepsia (which is when my body mimicks every symptom of an ulcer without an ulcer being present) so basically if I’m stressed it takes a serious toll on my insides. Lovely ER doc thinks I also have a problem with reflux on top of that so I left the ER with 5 scripts for medicine.

I mentioned that I decided to take a semester off to breathe, get myself together. Mainly to figure out if I should continue to pursue this major. Then I get an email that I was supposed to fill out a leave of absence form to explain why I didn’t enroll in classes. Now I know its not like undergrad that I can just stop taking courses, and everything has been so laid back that I could take as little as one class a semester that I thought it would be okay if I didn’t enroll in Summer, maybe I wouldn’t enroll at all. Now that I know its not that simple its created pressure on me to figure out a solution.

I thought this was leading to teach me so many avenues that I could do and each day, each month, I realized my classmates are all successful professionals and everything made sense. Why I feel like I still don’t know enough, why my classes all feel like introductions to these avenues but its not enough to be on my own. The director of the program emails us job postings encouraging us to apply and when I started I thought that “oh, by the time I finish these are the jobs I can apply to” that thought has became “I won’t be able to apply even when I do graduate; the classes available won’t teach me enough.” It all came together.. This degree is a stepping stone. Something that professionals do to look better to show that they were exposed to know what an electronic medical record is but it doesn’t teach you how to develop the programs. So where does that leave me?

I have a job right now that has the potential of being long term so I’m working hard to prove that I can be an asset bigger than my role now. It pays me more than any job I’ve ever had. But I’ve let it overly consume me that its all I talk about my mind didn’t stop once I left work because I need something in my life to finally lead somewhere, like I will be able to support myself, like I’m not a loser. In return, I made my boyfriend feel neglected and as if his life isn’t as important and I feel horrible for that so I’m trying to live in the moment and once I leave work, I leave all my thoughts about work behind. But there’s still this commitment I have with school and my professional life..

There’s a part in this major that we have to do a practicum and I don’t feel like I will be ready to do that especially if it requires 40 hours/week. But, can I even switch majors at graduate level? What else is there for me to even pursue? Since high school I had this plan for myself to get a professional career in medicine then go back to school to study art to become better at it for me and maybe take some computer classes just to know how to code because computers are fascinating but right now to start the computer path feels so far back compared to how far I am in school now (and 100k in debt) that It feels late in my life to start a new path from zero for a career when I want to have at least a stable income right now and I thought it would be in medicine. Plus, I don’t have the money to pay for undergrad classes, the government won’t give me anymore undergrad loans. The hope for my life was to have a medical career that could cover the cost of going back to school for fun.

Without medicine.. Who am I?

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Teenage candles of ungranted wishes 

I love rock from like ’05-09 when bands like Sum41 and All-American Rejects and Simple Plan were all over the radio waves. Reminds me of being 17 and walking through Hollister.

Those small increments of time where I was like everyone else. A broke teenager just hanging at the mall. Then I feel an angers cloud hover me of the torture I was going through. Much of my pleasant memories were from being younger than 14 (before him) and the few times we had broken up n I was free.

When people around me have their conversations about being a teen I can only relate so much. I spent much of my time indoors watching tv because he didn’t let me go anywhere so I would try to get him to go do stuff just so that I could have fun for a while but then of course people (especially my family) though that I was just this girl who needs her bf she must be clingy.

Next year makes 10 years since graduation.

I’m 27 and I’m still dwelling over not being a teenager, not having the weekends with my friends. It’s been wonders of what could have been. Feels like the last of my childhood was taken away by someone who wanted to act like my parent but was only a year older than me. It dawns me that at such a young age someone can have the heart to be so cruel.

ONE…day…The desire to redo my teenage self will fade