Nobody’s listening

When I listen to Linkin Park’s lyrics it matters more to who I am now than what I thought the words meant to me as a teenager. Trying to overcome the past and truly live is what I’ve been trying to do with therapy for months it’s why I created this blog. It’s the battle inside of me every day.

In many ways I’ve been living like Chester. From looking at my life now you see a girl who has a good life, a supportive & loving boyfriend, good job, who’s friendly  and happy.  Her abusive past? it was 7 years ago she’s over it by now… In certain moments I can’t control are flashbacks of the past, seeing his face in my dreams. I thought that maybe if I show it enough on the outside that on the inside it will reflect but I was wrong. I used to think that if I was public about my past that it would mean I was over it but that doesn’t matter if its still eating my insides.

Lately in the news over the  past month it was reported how Chester was telling fans to move the fuck on because of how many people were saying they wanted music like Hybrid theory when its not who he is anymore. He said to Music Week “When we made Hybrid Theory, I was the oldest guy in the band and in my early ’20s. That’s why I guess I’m like: ‘Why are we still talking about Hybrid Theory? It’s fucking years ago. It’s a great record, we love it. Like, move the fuck on.’ You know what I mean?”

http://www.avclub.com/article/linkin-park-wants-fans-move-fuck-album-they-255091

He appreciated that we loved it but he wanted everyone to grow with his music and it made sense. His new music may have had a different musical background than the heavy guitars but it showed that this soul was still hurting and trying to fight a battle from within that sadly won.

I don’t want my demons to overcome me….

 

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Easier to run

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I’ve kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they’ve played

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

[Chorus]
It’s easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It’s so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn’t have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there’d never be a past

When my boyfriend asks me why can’t I get over my past its that exact reasons what LP said in those lyrics. A piece of me was taken away…Sometimes I have dreams of my ex being back in my life and I’m in the relationship again and I get that feeling I had whenever he started to make rules for me to abide by because to him it made the relationship better and it was the worst feeling.  One night a few weeks ago I had a dream… He was approaching me to be in a relationship again and instead of giving in I said to him that I didn’t want this, he can’t control my life anymore. I woke up not knowing how to feel. Did that mean I was fully over it like how they are in movies that when you see yourself be your own hero the villain is gone?

My boyfriend is right and so is my therapist that in many ways I learned from my past to make better choices. I never allow anyone to even attempt to put me down. I knew it wasn’t my fault I knew being hurt is not the life I deserved and I got out.  I never repeated the pattern of being in that type of relationship. I have been out with friends, rekindled friendships and relationships. I was in a night club last year and he was there, instead of running away and going home I stayed. I danced. At one point he was next to me dancing and I felt more like I wanted him to see me, feeling happy.  I guess the shame  guilt for being in the relationship is what consumed me, I didn’t allow not just one person to hurt me but two.

I forgave myself enough to get out but I didn’t forgive myself for feeling ashamed.

On this day I try to let go….

Castle of Glass

Today, while I was at work I saw online news that hit me hard. I felt my heart sink in disbelief. Chester Bennington has committed suicide….

Shortly after I discovered Evanescence at 13 I came across Linkin Park. The uniqueness and power in his voice and emotions in his words helped me through my parents divorce. When my “first” love ended up being mean to me I used to listen to the LP albums on repeat to help feel strong. It was a mix of Evanescence’s only album at the time – Fallen- and listening to Hybrid Theory & Meteora. When I used to write poems I would have My December repeating as I cried. On my way to Disney World with band in 2004 I had only Hybrid Theory & Meteora cd’s with me and it was all I listened to on the way there and back.

I got to see them live in 2014 and sure throughout the years I didn’t like the entire new albums but there were songs here n there that I liked. They were coming back to my hometown in August and I wanted to go.  Its just so bizarre to me just a few months ago I bought Hybrid Theory in Best Buy to listen to it again (x boyfriend of 6 years broke their cd to hurt me) in my car speakers and I listened to their new album when it released in May. It just hits me hard when there’s been 3 bands who made my life feel less lonely in the critical times of my life when I didn’t have any friends to hang around or family because my ex isolated me to the point that sometimes death did seem like the only way I would feel free and less guilty for letting my life turn out that way. I felt that I neglected everyone so much that by the time I would finally let him go would anyone care for me anymore?            Evanescence, Linkin Park, Avenged Sevenfold.

Chester was happy in interviews and expressed the power of music on people and how honored he felt in what he does.. His music helped you feel to overcome those who want to hurt you and make u feel less than who you are. “trying to put my trust in you just takes so much out of me. I swear for the last time I wont trust myself with you.” – From the Inside

Don’t stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
What you were changing me into
(Just give me myself back and)
Don’t stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
Take all your faithlessness with you
(Just give me myself back and)
Don’t stay
Sometimes I feel like I trusted you too well

Sometimes I just feel like screaming at myself

Sometimes I’m in disbelief I didn’t know….

Those lyrics echoed in my head a lot along with so many others. (“Somewhere I belong” is another) coming out of a man’s mouth were the emotions I felt… Wanting to heal myself and gather the strength to pick up my own pieces and get away and start my life over on my terms.

One day I did….. Rest in Peace Chester…

 

Past comes a’knockin

There’s a new guy at my job that I never paid much attention to until one day I was walking back to my office and I heard his voice to realize who he is…. A relative of a very close friend to my ex….my nightmare. Instantly it made me feel a lump in my throat because it made me think “omg someone that knows my ex is here,  there’s a way that my ex will know where I work and the last thing I would ever want is for him to show up when I’m leaving work, or even worse… applies to work at my job” I tried to calm myself down and thought “Well, now its time I face the reality, after all we do live in the same city. I at least have one of my best guy friends working here with me.”

I spoke to my boyfriend about it afterwards and he was quick to say “he better not say anything to you, you’re ex will never work there our friend will never let that happen if he ever sees him anywhere near that building”

It’s been about 2 weeks since I realized who that guy was and does he know who I am? Yes. I used to hang around the family a lot. Not sure if he recognizes me because I wear glasses now and I never look at him in the face to avoid any conversations. We work in opposite departments of the office so it’s not like I have to work with him directly. I do have to walk through that department to get to the bathroom but with each day I get a little more comfortable.

After all, I was never friends with the guy so we don’t need to be friends now.