Easier to run

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I’ve kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they’ve played

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

It’s easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It’s so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn’t have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there’d never be a past

When my boyfriend asks me why can’t I get over my past its that exact reasons what LP said in those lyrics. A piece of me was taken away…Sometimes I have dreams of my ex being back in my life and I’m in the relationship again and I get that feeling I had whenever he started to make rules for me to abide by because to him it made the relationship better and it was the worst feeling.  One night a few weeks ago I had a dream… He was approaching me to be in a relationship again and instead of giving in I said to him that I didn’t want this, he can’t control my life anymore. I woke up not knowing how to feel. Did that mean I was fully over it like how they are in movies that when you see yourself be your own hero the villain is gone?

My boyfriend is right and so is my therapist that in many ways I learned from my past to make better choices. I never allow anyone to even attempt to put me down. I knew it wasn’t my fault I knew being hurt is not the life I deserved and I got out.  I never repeated the pattern of being in that type of relationship. I have been out with friends, rekindled friendships and relationships. I was in a night club last year and he was there, instead of running away and going home I stayed. I danced. At one point he was next to me dancing and I felt more like I wanted him to see me, feeling happy.  I guess the shame  guilt for being in the relationship is what consumed me, I didn’t allow not just one person to hurt me but two.

I forgave myself enough to get out but I didn’t forgive myself for feeling ashamed.



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