When I listen to Linkin Park’s lyrics it matters more to who I am now than what I thought the words meant to me as a teenager. Trying to overcome the past and truly live is what I’ve been trying to do with therapy for months it’s why I created this blog. It’s the battle inside of me every day.
In many ways I’ve been living like Chester. From looking at my life now you see a girl who has a good life, a supportive & loving boyfriend, good job, who’s friendly and happy. Her abusive past? it was 7 years ago she’s over it by now… In certain moments I can’t control are flashbacks of the past, seeing his face in my dreams. I thought that maybe if I show it enough on the outside that on the inside it will reflect but I was wrong. I used to think that if I was public about my past that it would mean I was over it but that doesn’t matter if its still eating my insides. Sleeping has gotten worse, I lash out quickly to anyone, I feel I’m going crazy and there’s nothing me or anyone can do to make this feeling go away. I want to shake it but I can’t. Sometimes I feel like in my dreams I want to scream and I can’t I wake up with my heart pounding.
Lately in the news over the past month it was reported how Chester was telling fans to move the fuck on because of how many people were saying they wanted music like Hybrid theory when its not who he is anymore. He said to Music Week “When we made Hybrid Theory, I was the oldest guy in the band and in my early ’20s. That’s why I guess I’m like: ‘Why are we still talking about Hybrid Theory? It’s fucking years ago. It’s a great record, we love it. Like, move the fuck on.’ You know what I mean?”
He appreciated that we loved it but he wanted everyone to grow with his music and it made sense. His new music may have had a different musical background than the heavy guitars but it showed that this soul was still hurting and trying to fight a battle from within that sadly won.
I don’t want my demons to overcome me….