Interesting experience. It’s definitely not easy trying to stay focused. I had to maintain a specific image. He would move his hands while I followed for a few seconds and I had to try hard to hold an image and then he would stop and ask what I felt, what did I see. The session began with giving me a list of negative comments and asked me to pick out a few that I felt matched that moment or how it makes me still feel.
First it was: see the image of this particular incident with the phrases in mind, after few seconds of movements, stopped and asked me to describe it. Then he told me to use positive statements that were the exact opposite of how I felt and view the moment as me being my 27 yr old self in that moment in time. Then again with the movements with telling myself how I felt now. He was happy with my outcome.
It was crazy when I saw the image and out of nowhere I saw myself in that moment but getting up and walking away then I see his face with tears in his eyes from the BS tears and . He said a few positive statements to me to repeat to myself during the movements and I began to tear up. He asked me why did I get emotional when he said that? I told him that I supposed I was so used to being told negative things for so long that when people are nice to me or say anything nice it makes me emotional, and he said “ahh, you don’t believe it yourself”
I said “idk I supposed I’ve become so used to negative comments that anything nice makes me emotional” Then he told me to do the EMDR again but with keeping in mind that I am in control, I have choices, I am honorable and describe what I see. I pictured myself walking out of his room and stepping outside, looking up to the sky and breathing. Doc was extremely happy to hear. I didn’t know if I forced the images I saw or if it was my mind really beginning to change but whatever it was I felt a little different, A little more like I believed that I do have choices now. He mentioned homework.. being that I’m trapped in my head of negative thoughts he wants me to do one thing, whether its going to the bank alone or with someone at night or go outside to grab something from my car at night.
Lastly, offered a suggestion to try a supplement 5-HTP for my anxiety. I said I will. I went home and searched for it online. The University of Maryland describes it as “5-hydroxytryptophan (5-HTP) is a chemical that the body makes from tryptophan (an essential amino acid that you get from food). After tryptophan is converted into 5-HTP, the chemical is changed into another chemical called serotonin (a neurotransmitter that relays signals between brain cells). 5-HTP dietary supplements help raise serotonin levels in the brain. Since serotonin helps regulate mood and behavior, 5-HTP may have a positive effect on sleep, mood, anxiety, appetite, and pain sensation.”
I was a little surprised I’ve never been told that I should take something for my anxiety but if it will control it I’ll do it.
On this day I saw the image in a new way. EMDR session 2 is next Tuesday.