I got caught up with the EMDR sessions that I didn’t continue writing on here but time to catch up. After 4 sessions of EMDR my therapist thought it was time to let me go. He said I’m stronger than I think and he sees how the sessions have helped me and he wanted me to go off on my own and if I felt the need to reach out again for his help to contact him. My last session consisted of me locking in an image of a time that I felt the most at ease and I explained to him that since I was 15 one image repeated in my memories. I was on the top deck of a cruise ship, and looking out at the ocean and the moon’s reflection on the water with the scent of the salt water and the feeling of the wind ( I was in this horrible relationship at this time too) I just felt free. In that moment in that place he couldn’t hurt me, he couldn’t stress me, no one could. I would close my eyes and breathe deep and feel free for those few minutes.
The purpose of this was to hold on to place in my memories that whenever I feel stressed or overwhelmed to picture it. To have somewhere in my mind that I can go to, to calm myself down. I told him that it inspired me to want to paint that image so I can have a physical reminder and he asked me to send it to him via email when it’s completed. I told him I would. I bought the canvas I just haven’t gotten around to it. I let myself get distracted easily. I’m in the process of trying to move out so my excitement of having my own space and silence to paint is ugh something I’ve wanted for so long…However I will get around to doing the painting and I’ll show you guys.
Update of how I’ve been since I finished therapy in December… I wasn’t sure if EMDR was really working until a few nightmares happened in the past week, idk why but what I’ve found to impress me is that now when I wake up from nightmare I instantly start repeating all of the positive mantras that my therapist had me do during sessions. It came automatically without forcing it. Other than that I feel the same. My boyfriend tells me that he sees a difference in me so maybe I am doing better. Amazing to think that for almost 8 years I was living in a dark place which sometimes the cloud comes back but its a daily battle to try to move past it, it’s never something that fully goes away. To accept that I didn’t have a typical teenage experience but I can’t let him rob me of the rest of my life. I’m not at a place to expose it to the public and at one point I thought thats what I should do, maybe I need that, but I’d rather speak to someone one-on-one about my story or if they would just want to read this blog about what it’s like to push forward because that’s all anyone can do.. Try to move on and learn how to cope with the triggered memories and negative thoughts. Negative thoughts are my biggest enemies, picturing the worst scenarios in every thing I do, which my therapist would tell me to try to talk to myself to not let the negative self talk consume me when it happens, to be mindful and know that I’m ok, its just a thought, and I can’t throw myself into a panic attack over things out of my control.
Oh, and about the 5-htp pills. They work great with shutting off my negative thinking. The only downside is the weird headache so I don’t really like to take it unless I feel like I’m about to go somewhere that I know is going to make my feel overly anxious.
I got a new job working in optometry and I’m happy there. I’m not doing as much as I used to in the field but it’s ok I still look forward to going to work, the only thing I don’t like is the repetitive music we listen to but we compromise and sometimes I play my music at work. My boss and coworkers are great people.
One day… was yesterday…