Who’s in your reflection?

As I sit here in my apartment. Once again, jobless, I think of what I led my life to become. Am I a loser for having no job, not finished with my degree, no career path? Or, am I just in a crossroads trying to figure it out? Feels like I’ve been on these crossroads since I turned 18. When I got that diploma in my hands  I thought, “I’m going to make something of myself, I’m going to work hard and not let the fact that I barely had the GPA to graduate defeat me from attending my dream school”. Fast forward 10 years and I’m 28 years old, no kids, no husband, an apartment, a boyfriend and I don’t wake up every morning to do something I love.

I quit my job 2 weeks ago because I got tired of being pushed around. Although my boyfriend wanted me to voice my opinion while I still had a job and to quit in person and most of all, have a back up job before walking out the door. I knew that opening my mouth wasn’t going to make a difference, it wasn’t going to change the fact that they were pushing me out the door. It would’ve just made my time there harder and I was tired of doing pointless busy work and being treated like less of a person than everyone else. Quitting gave me the voice I needed. I did tell my manager after that she could’ve fired me than cut my hours to avoid paying me unemployment. I don’t like too much to talk to people about where I’m at mentally, they can create whatever opinion. Lately it feels like I’m always in some predicament of needing to “stand up and voice my opinion” but I’m tired. I would just rather focus on myself than everyone else to better them. They are all grown. It’s not up to me to take care of everyone.

I received a letter that I capped out of government funds for student aid so now I have to get loans to finish schools and those loans have high interest rates. Not a stranger to this happening I just want a decent job that someone could just give me the chance to prove I can do higher roles than being a receptionist. The more jobs I take as a receptionist the more I go crazy because I’ve been trying for 10 years of studying, reading, writing and these ignorant people talk to me like I’m retarded, literally, my last job people spoke SLOW to me and repeated themselves as if I was stupid. I would say “I’m a receptionist, that doesn’t make me stupid” Back to the loss of financial aid. Now because of this I recently started an additional masters and I’ve been doing well handling both majors but now because of lack of finances I have to let go of the new major.

I’ve also decided to renew my medical certification which I hope I get everything complete before I run out of money to renew it. I apply to jobs every day. I don’t know if my boyfriend is under the impression that I’m not trying, seems like he is.  I don’t need motivational quotes on the mirror I just need my own motivation to get up every day and get things done. to take 30 minutes to exercise, drink enough water to not get headaches, listen to my favorite Pandora station that motivated me to get my head in the books. I think all the time how much I missed the days interning, I loved that job soo much I tell my boyfriend that and he doesn’t get it that  its not whether I ever get to go back to a nuclear lab its I want that feeling again. Waking up every day loving what I do, knowing it helps someone, having to use my brain, and being acknowledged for my hard work, for going the extra mile of learning why things work a certain way. Now that I’m soon to be down to one major its time I can only do one thing – give informatics my all and do whatever it takes to make sure that this final major pays off for me mentally more than financially. At this point I’d be happy with anything that pays more than $14/hr. I’m under qualified for any big job from experience and over qualified due to my degrees.

Positives to keep in mind:

  • Student in not only my dream school but in their medical school
  • I live in a beautiful apartment of my own now with my amazing boyfriend
  • my car is paid off
  • I have money in my savings to cover my bills while I look for a job for a few months
  • I have Bachelor’s and Associates degree
  • My gut isn’t that bad that it would take long to get into shape
  • This is just temporary….

One day….. I will feel proud of the girl in the reflection.

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