Time to break the existing mold.

First post of 2019. Mentally – the nightmares are here and there but feeling better. July 2018 my mom was staying with us and my boyfriend told me enough is enough he couldn’t be the only one knowing my secret. I asked him to help me, on my own I would never do it. We sat down in the living room while I poured myself a glass of Jack Daniels & Coke. He tells my mom he wants her to get to know him as he proceeds to tell her a brief story of his life, how him and I met in high school, the rumors that circled the school about me being mistreated, and when I told him the truth in high school. A secret he had to live with because I told him to tell no one. Little did I know that everyone around me already knew. My mom turned to me and asked me if he hit me and I said yes and burst into tears. We both cried, she called my dad to ask him if he knew and my dad said he did and that he at one point choked my ex and told him to leave me alone. My mom then went to sit out on the patio to cry and think. Then, she came inside and told me “past is past, You’re safe now, this man loves you. Don’t hide things from us. I feel bad the most that you dealt with this alone”.. For a second my younger sibling didn’t understand why I felt the need to bring it up because I had my moment of talking to her about it last year when I apologized for being absent during her teen years because of him. I spoke to my dad about it and he told me “I didn’t want to bring it up after the fact because you’re ok, the past is past, daddy is always here for you”

For a long time I argued with my boyfriend. He wanted me to open up and I didn’t. After seeing 3 therapists, doing EMDR, I didn’t feel the need to “tell my story” all I cared about was how I felt, how the dreams stopped. However, I can’t say that after talking to my parents that I do feel better. My parents knew the details of my divorce but not that relationship and my boyfriend would tell me “that relationship is what shaped you so it is important to tell”. He was right.

Aside from all that, once again I have a new job and it’s just as ridiculous as the last 2 jobs. It’s literally the most bizarre thing that since 2017 I’ve had one crazy job after the next. My life before 2017 was just working jobs that the only reason i would quit is because I wanted to grow and the job either had no growth potential or I needed to have stable hours for school but I liked my jobs, i liked my bosses & co-workers. Then it all turns to chaos one after the next. Here’s a timeline of what I’m talking about:

2017 – January to April – Law firm receptionist/assistant: lot of work but I juggled it well. Every day was a blast with my co-workers. I left when I didn’t want to be a receptionist anymore after a year of being there. The day I left was sad and excited to start something new. Oh, if I only knew what was coming.

2017 – April -October : Timeshare business case manager – A friend of mine worked there told me it was great so I figured “hey why not be in a company that has potential to grow and make more while I’m in school.” Turned into having a manager that thought being manager was stalking your every move, down to listening to what you said and you had to ask for permission to walk away from your desk. I tried to take the proper steps in telling HR (other girls in my dept. did the same) and instead they viewed me as a problem. The day I called my boyfriend and told him I was going to quit at the end of the day I tried for 7 months to suck it up. I end up getting fired for “being unhappy” – literally that’s what they said to me. So ok, I felt relieved. On to the next…

’17 December to June ’18 : Optometrist receptionist – I was originally hired to do every single job but ended up doing mostly front desk. Small optical that was very nice. Staff of 5 people including myself. I was bored out of my mind with nothing to do. I would just sit there listening to the same music playlist every. single. day.  I wasn’t permitted to answer any questions so I looked like a useless idiot that people were angry at all the time because I would only say ” I have to get the manager or optician to answer that for you”. To take lunch I had to ask for permission, to go to the bathroom I had to make sure to tell someone before going. I sat there quiet mostly just doing my job at the front until they rehired the receptionist and instead of putting me to do billing (like they told me they would) I was pushed to quit by cutting my hours or telling me to go home after only working 1 hour. I became a laughingstock. I quit abruptly and man, did that FEEL GOOD.

August 2018 – present. Pain management & Surgeon office. Two offices, same position, receptionist once again. I was given the title of manager with none of the responsibilities that came with it. I applied to work in one office and found out that it’s actually for two and I’m working under a “management/marketing company” that supplies staff to doctors offices. At first I was confused if I was an employee of a staffing agency or consulting. It was very strange. Made a great friend out of it at least. I’m mostly involved in the pain management office. The physician admitting to not wanting to be a physician and it shows in his demeanor, patient care and business decisions. A young kid has total control of the company and he’s very secretive about company finances that even the physician who owns the practice has no idea what his financial situation is. He had 5 offices when I started but it was actually just subleases and he isn’t at any office for more than one day. He’s at every office once every 2 weeks. The physician is ready to close the company yet hasn’t told anyone and I have a feeling that one day in Feb. I’m going to get a message the night before I have to go to one of the facilities to be told I’ll be working for another doctor. The entire business is a sham that is falling apart on its own, I don’t want to be involved anymore. My boss got offended when I told him he can’t make medical decisions, he’s not a physician. Somewhere in his head he thinks he’s a divine but it boils down to greed. Every day I wonder if today’s the day the health dept. is going to show up or a law firm is going to expose the whole business triangle, shut it down and I’m left without a paycheck.  Eventually it will happen, I don’t want to be around when it does.

Needless to say I’m tired. Tired of being involved in jobs that stress me out because management is selfish. Tired because I just want to be at peace going to work, do my job and go home. All these years after finishing nuclear I kept going to school, taking mediocre jobs to get by with school, and still couldn’t find anything that made me feel the way I did in 2008-2010. So where does it leave for me? Right now I’m so close to getting my license back from the state I renewed my board certification and I may look into getting certified & licensed to run PET/CT so that mean another short round of school and taking another state board but I’m ready.

Sometimes we search for something new to make us happy. Instead of realizing that you already found it. For me – it’s nuclear medicine.

One day – I’ll be happy going to work again.

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