Speak to me

You know how they say that music speaks to the soul well I think that’s true. From the time I was 13 years old I fell in love with a band called evanescence. The lead singer, Amy Lee, just had a mesmerizing powerful voice that made you feel the lyrics even if they didn’t apply to me , later on in my life when I met him her lyrics started to apply to me. Everyone knew me as the girl that was obsessed with this band but only a few close to me understood why. I looked up to her and I admired her strength way she would explain her lyrics going through a bad relationship several actually and getting her self out of them and saying in her lyrics how they chose other things were more important than her love and one song hit me particularly deep One that she revealed to being in an abusive relationship it’s called “The last song I’m wasting on you” sure she had plenty of other songs that were about finding love being in love in those I would listen to hoping that one day I would feel the way that she feels singing those lyrics.

Whenever I became overwhelmed with my situation I would look to her music to scream with it and feel the pain and let it out –that was my form of release and way keeping my sanity I suppose.

Sometimes, I would think the way that she gathered the strength to leave and meet her husband I would be too it was just a matter of when I would. Evanescence helps me go through my parents divorce my own divorce and feeling like I’m not alone it’s not just the words in the songs it was how they were expressed. Of course I still listen to her now and the band has been on hiatus while she’s been making music for side projects like movies or children’s music. My ex knew how much her music meant as an escape for me then one day as a form of punishment he broke my CDs and at that time cell phones didn’t hold music it was all on an iPod if you had one but I just held onto my CDs and played it on my computer. He even at one point stupid as this sounds bid me from listening to her and avenge sevenfold and it felt so ridiculous to be told what music I can listen to but that was his tactic of getting to me in whatever way he could. When my parents split up the song missing was one that I kept on repeat as a child I thought but I wasn’t being missed and it was easy to walk away from my family start a new life with someone else. (But after many conversations with my parents I got through that)

I’ve been to several of her shows and every time she comes out I almost want to cry because this is a woman who saved my life. Not just a fan I’m grateful to this person. One day I hope to meet her and maybe let her know that through parents divorce along abusive relationship and personal divorce she saved me.

Define..Happiness

I’m watching this new show, Big Little Lies, on HBO so far its about 3 mothers and what goes on with there home while the show foreshadows a people being questioned about someone that was murdered. Nicole Kidman is one of the main characters that is married with twins and a younger husband that abuses her. It does trigger memories seeing her get slapped to some of the moments that I was or the moments that she tries to make plans without him and he instantly gets mad for being excluded.

Her friends don’t know about the abuse.  To the world her marriage is great, she has two beautiful boys, a successful handsome husband.

The mind of an abuser is something that has always intrigued me. How can you live with yourself. How can you think that just because you care about this person, that they have to treat YOU like god, your above everyone else, even themselves.

How can you lay your head down making someone live in fear of you?

Is that what love is to you? Someone who fears you? That is going to turn to hate even if they stay.

Why must you try to control someone’s every move, down to who their friends should be or who they can talk to?

How do you live being angry all the time in a relationship to use it as a plot to get someone to do what you want, is that your definition of happiness?

Why would you want to physically hurt the person you care about and cares about you? How can you make them bleed, bruise or cry?

Is that your definition of happiness?

Why did you stay?

Many reasons. The first few years I thought I was to blame every time he became upset. I felt like I was in prison and he was the evil warden, I wanted to be free, to go out with my friends when they wanted to watch a movie, go to the mall..Live like every one else around me without his presence. without him calling my phone every 20 minutes or constant texts.  Then it was that I didn’t know how to get out, every time I tried he would steal things that belong to me as leverage to make me stay (real pathetic).
Sometimes I would live in denial or became use to the rules and lies I had to say to “keep the peace” which that never last long anyways he would find things to get mad about. Sometimes I thought “ehh maybe this is how my life is supposed to be” if I’m staying with him because he won’t leave then I’m never getting married or having kids because I think he would be a horrible father & use his wife as a legal prisoner and then I never could leave because he won’t sign the papers…….

But after each fight I was reminded that my life didn’t have to be this unhappy. This didn’t have to be MY story. The grim reaper didn’t have to be the guy I called my boyfriend.

 

Why are you silent?

A question we are all asked.

SHAME.

What people don’t understand (at least for me) that being silent is avoiding the looks, the I’m sorry’s. the questions, the pity.

I’ve never been one to want the be the center of attention. I never wanted to have pity. When my parents split up  (I was 13)  I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want people to say “aww I’m so sorry your going through this” I wanted to keep the situation in the family, and stay strong for my baby sister so that she wouldn’t feel helpless.

I feel like people don’t know what to say, they say things about “I’m glad u spoke up women who stay silent is bullshit”… Domestic violence isn’t something easy to speak about. It takes so long to even get your mind wrapped around accepting that this happened and as my therapist says “this doesn’t have to control you, this is part of your story, part of your past, it doesn’t have to control your future”

To this day I don’t speak up because I don’t want the I’m sorry’s I don’t want people to even comment about it. Sometimes talking about it alone to my boyfriend or best friend makes me emotional.It makes me feel a mix of emotions, anger towards myself for, sadness— because in these conversations, images come in my head that I just wish were never there and avoiding to talk about it lets me live like it never happened. Is it healthy? mentally- not so much which is why I decided to get help.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m also staying quiet in fear of what he would do if he knew I as talking about him, exposing him for the malicious person  he was in our relationship.

Sometimes…. silence is a survivor trying to pretend that the memories aren’t real.. but what we don’t realize is that the memories were never accepted, it lives under the surface …..boiling…

 

 

 

 

Ghosts of ex’s past

On my weekends I like to wake up. Relax. Catch up on my shows on demand and sip on a cup of coffee to feel energized to get some school work or chores done….

Today, my little sister goes shopping alone, I like to shop alone but I also have fears of situations when I’m going to my car. My little sister goes shopping and calls me telling me her ex-boyfriend is following her in the store asking her to talk. Instead of having someone walk her to her car she goes alone to be brave and it pisses me off. I let my boyfriend borrow my car so I couldn’t do anything to get to her and her boyfriend is another city. She comes home safe. I don’t believe the guy is willing to harm her. Perhaps it’s my own anxieties of running into my exboyfriend while I’m shopping alone.

My boyfriend gets annoyed with my fears but I’m small, a female walking alone can be easily followed and harmed. To make matters worse for me is that people were recently being following in the stores right near me to their houses and being robbed and beaten. The news were warning women not to shop alone. Only some of the people involved were caught.

Now, I’m sitting here trying to do my school work and I can’t focus. My heart is racing and I can’t get it to slow down. Everything is now distracting me, the sound of my sisters tv, my dogs wanting to come in and out of the house, I hate being in my room it’s so dark with a little window that doesn’t get much light, my desk chair doesn’t have much cushion but my room is too small to have a bigger chair. I want to sleep or scream. I want to get out of grad school. I want all the distractions and people to go away. Where did my motivation go? When I was doing my undergrad I was so focused and determined. I suppose my lack of finding an adult job made me lose the drive to do more in fear of having another degree and still working jobs that I don’t make more than 25,000 a year.

I secretly think sometimes that I want my life to amount to more than this. That if HE ever knows something about me, it’s that I have a fabulous life. Instead it’s the same. I live in the same house, newer car, high education but closer into my 30s with still needing my parents to support a roof over my head because I can’t support myself. I don’t find a point in getting a new job because when I have to do my practical for school it’s full time.

I was told a story by my therapist about someone who was abused by a relative and they use that as their motivation of telling that person in their heard to F off every time they succeed at something or use it as like the strength that got them to be that successful. I admire that.

I don’t know where where along the ball I feel like a loser and I too think in head about being better because I am better than the person I was with when I was with him. But I suppose since my “adulting” abilities have never changed I feel pathetic..

I’m going to go shower. Maybe I need to feel refreshed and new to start my day over and have another cup of coffee.

First blog post

Like most of you, I’m here from recommendations by my therapist.  Not sure where to start but here goes…

From the time I was 14 I met a boy who was funny, nice, walked me home, and i wanted this boy to be my boyfriend. After some months of getting to know one another we began dating. Like most young couples we broke up and got back together a few  times. The relationship was “on and off” till I was 20 years old.

Turns out he wasn’t so nice…

High school was not what I wanted it to be. I didn’t join any clubs, go to football games, hang at the mall with girlfriends, try out for band. All because he didn’t let me. He wanted me at his side 24/7. If I ever got him upset he hit me, or if he just made himself upset for no reason I was the one who sufffered the consequences. He Monitored my phone, come into my room and inspect my furniture to make sure it wasn’t moved for someone else to come into my room or for me to sneak out. All because I let him sneak in ONE time. Anytime I hung out with someone it was either because he was there or he “approved” it. He made me delete my myspace page. He made me stop talking to my best friend. I couldn’t keep a diary because that meant writing things down that he didn’t know. I only had a real high school experience my last two months of senior year because we weren’t together..

When I was 20 years old I had enough of him and this life. I felt like a bird in a cage of a circus. To the world I put on a show, smile on my face, defending my douchebag boyfriend while inside I hated him too. I hated myself, not for staying but for not telling anyone to protect myself.  One day I gathered the strength to leave and it was NOT an easy thing to do because he did not want to be with me but it was as though he was upset for not being the one to decide to end it. But we both knew this relationship was not what we wanted, we did not care for one another. His jealousy was out of control and I guess it hit a point for him that he didn’t want to continue living with that anymore. I only say that because eventually he did leave me alone. He lived his life and I lived mine.  A year later I met someone who became my husband, we were the couple everyone wanted to be but that didn’t work out and that was for the best. We weren’t compatible.

Which leads me to here…. 7 years later from the bad relationship and I’m still living in with this dark cloud. In way it feels like the relationship is still going on so its 13 years long instead of 6 years. I’ve become more anxious, if anything sparks a memory I don’t act like myself, I become overly angry trying to hide my anxiety. I second guess everywhere I go, especially if I’m alone or at night.

The purpose of this blog is to write down every day what I go through in search of finding my way out of this and I could not do it alone– with the help of my therapist, boyfriend, best friend, and maybe strangers online.

So, that’s all for my first post.